Journal Entries

Sex Not So Good - includes abusive anger, deprivation, accusing and blaming, physical violence, fear, name calling ...

Normal Shit - hasn't thanked me ... he drives me crazy and then doesn't want to know why. He just tunes me out and doesn't listen at all...

Pregnant & Worried - I guess I should let him handle that for now...Maybe he feels like I'm invading "his" job space ...

Sick - He said that he "lost track of time." Today, I made him buy a watch. It hurts me so much for him to always want to be somewhere else. Is this what it's going to be like after the baby is born? ...

I Wouldn't Sleep - ...he has tried to get his "point" across through anger. Banging on the wall and scowling...of his storming and stomping...he got very defensive and turned nasty on the phone...

Remember the Rape - ...The rape - Will says it has something to do with our marriage problem. Let me write down what I remember and see if it helps...

The Army Thing - ...Maybe the problem is that I've never had goals for "us" that he hasn't set. Maybe the problem is that any goal I've had for myself isn't important...

Sex Was Bad - ...I felt like I was being punished, ... I will have to talk about that after school today, but he was so sweet afterward ...

3 Things - ...he muttered, "Selfish" ... she heard him and said, "Who's selfish?" I said, "I am because I didn't fix his plate"...

Boundaries - ...a list of some things he says and does including "When you tell me that I am wrong, lying, living in a fantasy world or unable to comprehend he real world, I feel belittled, defensive, hurt, and manipulated...

CARE Appointment - ...When he did come into the house, he ignored me except when I consciously "engaged" him to hear the tone of his voice ... assumed he was listening to my half of the conversation ('cause he always does)...

Do It My Way - My eyes welled up with tears - a BIG no-no...call the insurance company tomorrow so we wouldn't have to assume hypothetically and could make a decision based on fact."Why can't we have an adult conversation without involving other people?" he asked...

Don't Remember - I felt he was testing me to see if I'd tell him about the compliment or not...why I should have been insulted instead of flattered,...

Do They Get It? - ...that in making jokes about it, Will is able to say that the idea of verbal abuse is a joke to him and our feelings about it are funny to him...

He Found the Guns - I have no idea how dangerous the world is...I have no right to be afraid of him...I am acting out of spite...I am trying to control him...I cannot comprehend the fact that guns cost money (even though I bought him the last one)...etc. etc. etc...

Half Dead Mouse - ...I said, "Yes, it's all my fault." He said, "Well if it isn't your fault, who's is it?"...

Jabbing Will - ...I used the conversation with the counselor to pass a message along to Will. He always listens to my half of the phone conversations, so I knew this time it was no different...

Long and Painful - ...he threw my books on the floor, got right in my face and yelled You're such a cunt!...This came at a point where we were both out of control. He said he wished he could hit me. I was not cowering in a corner when this all happened, mind you. I was in his face. I was pissed off...

Miss Helen - ...I thought he had her fooled. But it's looking more and more like he's the fool...So why do I feel so afraid to be "right" about what's going on here?

Nice Again - It's interesting that he came up with the same conclusions I had tried to show him during the previous four "conversations" that turned into belittling, discrediting, devaluing, and countering my conclusion...

Nothing For Me Here - He said something about having to write a book to not be cut off mid-sentence, and stormed out of the house saying,... I come in here to relax and I can't. Thanks, Kellie, and shut the sliding door hard...

Power Transfer - ...she equates money with power in a relationship...I am glad to be done with the money...

Prediction - At least he said that he predicts what I am going to say...Maybe he would have believed me because I used "HIS" word instead of the word of "one of those fuckers that write those books you love"...

Slap, Push, Left - ...he said, "Leave me alone, cunt!" "What did you say?" I cried......He calmly said to the person on the phone, "I'm sorry you have to hear her like this. I'll call back later." Then he said to me, "I called you what you are"...

Threatening Behavior - ...then he glared at his brother. I could tell Marc was lying even before I noticed the glare. I called him on it. Marc got belligerent. I was telling Marc that what he did was threatening behavior ...

Tilly - He said, "That's            O0KLL\firkin' ignorant to make you stuck in here!" I yelled out, "No. NO! Don't let her out!" while he kept muttering something about "ignorant"...

Trick or Treat? - kept baiting me with remarks and phrases until he said, "Fine, I'll sit here and just look at you then." ...Will decided that I couldn't have my computer anymore and he started unhooking them all saying he was going to lock them up and I'd have to beg for it back...

What is Real? - ...his ideas about what I can and can't do, what I'm capable of doing, even the idea that I should doubt myself come into play on this page...

Who's Warped? - ...as recently as a few days ago when he printed out a sexual assault victim's "symptoms list" and said - "LOOK. THIS IS YOU," and threw the paper at me - in a nutshell, Will says that I am and have always been a nutcase...

You People - ...Will said, "You're HURTing him. You're going aGAINST everything you told him...You're FUCKin' him UP!"...

CARE Appointment 3 - I have to remember that ANY TIME I ASSUME to know what someone else thinks or feels, I'm walking on a dangerous road...

Food - I stayed quiet. The buzzer went off on the microwave, but I didn't go get his stupid pie. I got up and went back to the bathroom...When I came out, he said, "So, what I expect of you doesn't matter."...

Goodbye & Good Luck - ...This is the second phone call we had this morning. Earlier I had hung up on him because he started in with the "You've got it so fuckin' easy" bit...

10 Rules to Live By - ...ten of the arbitrary "rules" I live by gives me a better picture of how perverted and invasive he can be...

Mind Fuck - ...He's told me how good he felt about putting a co-worker in her place, how well he did it, how there can be no retribution ...The whole time knowing he did do something wrong by that person, but not caring ...

Money For a Calendar - ...So he says, "That's what this is all about. You don't like answering to me! You didn't let me know you were going to spend this money because you knew I would ask what it was for and that I would say no!...

Money For a Calendar, Pt. II - He mimicked me in a high voice "I don't want to talk to you 'cause you've been drinking!" while waving his fingers in the air and making a pinched face.

Mountainous Molehills - He said ..."Why didn't you tell me this last night instead of dragging it out into a shit-load of drama?" I told him that he wouldn't let me answer the questions last night...

Nice Guy - When he's the "nice guy" he is very apologetic and tries to convince me that I'm misunderstanding his words, reading into them, etc...If he wanted to change, he would have made an effort to do so by now...

More at "My Verbally Abusive Marriage" blog