Journal Entries

Interruptions - video blog in which I discover that my inability to concentrate may have something to do with verbal abuse...

Why Fear - I fear because I don't have any expectations or goals for myself, that I'll be this same confused person, drifting toward WHAT in years from now, failure because I don't know...

Color Experiment - ...my weaknesses show when I place myself in positions where I feel that others restrict or are insensitive to my feelings...

House of Light - ...making sense of a dream...

I Hate You - ...trying to learn how to NOT respond to Will's drinking and abusive behavior...

Don't Know How - ...Why should he get to do what he wants when he won't do what he is told? I am stuck and going crazy. How do I get this child to behave???...

I Have to Have Some Peace - ...I need a good sleep, but to talk to them I have to have some peace, and I haven't been able to make that lately. Well, let's try it anyway ...

I Wouldn't Sleep - ...it's hard to be proud of him when I still get the embarrassment of his storming and stomping. This just sucks. Period.

First Day - ...some choices are so simple, but the other kinds of choices make is who we are to become. And it hurts me because I have to let him do it...

Saying Something Stupid - ...I want to go to the doctor and talk about how I've been feeling, but the $10 co-pay doesn't seem justified.

Remember the Rape - I examine whether my rape has anything to do with our marriage problems...

Unburied - ...those babies died, not my boys...How crazy am I? I'm not crazy. I'm mourning...

Do Do Do - 1) THINK ... 2) be ... 3) do ... (trying to figure out what my anxiety is all about)...

15 Minutes - ...I was thinking about it yesterday, and I want to make sure my kids are optimistic...

Choices - ...Its killing me. My house stinks, my eyes burn. It is a death choice. I know I can make it without smoking...

FLYing - ...thinking that a schedule is the answer to my problems...

Haunted By A Memory - ...sometimes I think my way into feeling guilty...

Perfect At Everything - ...learning about backwards or harmful thinking patterns...

Sex Was Bad - ...this sounds like the rape from when I was 14. I didn't tell either to stop. They were both "sweet" afterwards. I made the excuse that neither of them had really known what they had done...

That Smart - ...Topic for today should be goals. I never set them. Well, I do for school, but that's all. Hey, I've reached most of those!...

Working on Myself - ...trying to get my thoughts on the same page as my emotions...

I Yell Too Much - ...figuring out how to solve two problems with one solution...

Conversation With Depression - ...Crying doesn't let you out. What will? How do I find out what I want to be?

Boundaries - ...using my brain to determine new boundaries in order to protect my self...

Codependence - ...If I've been a martyr, then I've been adding to this problem. If those things are true, then don't I owe it to Will to work out my problems before expecting miraculous change from him?

A Miracle is What You Deserve - ...praying, thinking, and getting a sign...

Don't Remember - ...attempting to remember what is going on, or maybe just thinking that ignoring it will somehow help me get through...

Do They Get It? - ...working through some tough decisions even thought it hurts...

Floating - ...a doodle describing what's going on in my head...

Half Dead Mouse - I didn't say anything else. I had a feeling the peace wouldn't last. Does he expect me to let him insult me without saying anything about it?...

Jabbing Will - ...Will confronted me because of what I'd told the therapist. I KNEW he'd been listening, didn't I? I'm too tired to write more tonight. I'll explain the fight tomorrow...

Knot Spinning Not Still - ... a poem...It's only heart ache. It's only love. Grab the end of the knot and pull. It's hanging out anyway...

Long and Painful - ...I'm not exactly on cloud 9 and doing the Snoopy dance because he's going to counseling. I am, however, hesitantly hopeful that...

Miss Helen - But it's looking more and more like he's the fool. So why do I feel so afraid to be "right" about what's going on here?

Never Change - ...he says that at least five times during an argument. We've been arguing every couple or three days for the past two weeks. So he's already about 25% of the way to that arbitrary number...

Nice Again - ...Then I started crying... I realized that this "nice" conversation was anything but "nice" even though it was obvious to me he wanted me to think he was restraining his temper...

Nothing For Me Here - ...The only reason he couldn't relax in here is because I wanted to express an opinion different from his. The only reason I'm not yet relaxed is because it's probably not over...

I Am Trying to Protect You - ...I disagreed; I saw things differently. I wasn't asking him to change his viewpoint, I was simply unwilling to change my own because in my experience, my view is also valid.

Tilly - ...Tilly is my dog. Will hates her. Maybe it's because I got her when he was in Iraq without asking him if it was okay. Maybe he hates her because she's "stupid" like he says. She cowers when he's around...

Trick or Treat? - He denies everything. My gut tells me that he's going to resort to physical violence before this is over. I'm going to put the guns in the attic on Monday...

Unless I Change - ...that participating in his "conversations" always negatively affect me and the situation. There's no way to "win" but the reactions I've had lead to a "winner"...

What Do You Want From Him? - ...So my therapist changed the question to, "If you began a new relationship right now, what would you expect from him?" Here's my list:...

What is Change? - ...What do I expect from change? How will I determine if he's changing? ...

What is Real? - Or God forbid, what if I fall into weakness and start "making things worse than they are" as I've been accused of?

Who's Warped? - ...Hmph. I never thought so. And the guy at the other end of the phone tonight validated my feeling...

You People - Is that happiness or relief? Or happiness with fear on the edges. That's what it is, and that ain't happy. But, last night, I let myself pretend that it was happiness.

Memoir of Basic Training - ...thinking my way into a solution to protect my real self from attack...

CARE Appointment 3 - When did someone take away my ability to think for my minor children in times of distress? Isn't it my job to protect them, keep them healthy and comfortable, do what I think is best for them AT ALL TIMES?

Gateways - ...I will finish this fight doing what I believe to be right and good ... continue to resist his attacks ... continue to know in my heart and mind ... I won't back down...

Look Back - ...reviewing something I wrote years ago helps me to solidify my current actions...

Mountainous Molehills - ...slowing down my thoughts to become an active participant instead of reactive during a conversation with my husband...

Nice Guy - ...planning for how to react when conversations with Will start going south...

More at "My Verbally Abusive Marriage" blog