When I Accept the Responsibility - I think that determining and analyzing the cause of my depression could help me to change the action patterns I've established that contribute to my ...

Don't Know How -  ...I know, and I feel bad about napping him when he's not tired, but what else can I do?...

God's Time - ...this is something I couldn't have done for him a month ago when I was depressed. I wouldn't have even considered...

I Have to Have Some Peace - Just being out made me feel better and the depression seemed not to matter when we were talking. Anyway, I do feel better. I'm a pretty good mom ...

Better Armed - I guess I am cycling downward again. This struggle seems never-ending. Visions of horrors I cannot make real by writing them out play in my mind over and over ...

Saying Something Stupid - ...quitting seems to be adding to this depressing way I've been feeling. It's probably the winter blahs because I really don't have anything to complain about...

Rotten Mood & an Angel Message - Worthless. Poopy. Bad. Careful. Never mind...in my head or in reality?...

Do Do Do - ... I can feel anxiety...not enough quiet time in my head...do do do! ...

15 Minutes - ...reminded me of my anger and guilt outbreaks. I feel overwhelmed...

God Wouldn't - ...So scary.... I am heart broken at the very thought and I cry and cry. But then I have to take heart - if I cry while they are here...

Conversation With Depression - ... I fill you. I drain you. I bubble up. My energy steals from you. I have infiltrated,...

Geesh! My Back is Fat! - ... it feels true. I know it is. But when I say, "I am FAT" and that's all I am, ugly and fat, then my emotions take over and I feel like shit.

It's All You - ...image shows Will and I split by a huge tree but both behind a fence...I am ashamed and cowering in the corner...

Unfinished Note - ...entry is full of questions, no answers - there can't be answers yet...anxiety ridden...

3 Things - ...followed by, "That figures," and a growl that didn't sound like anything. He wasn't talking to me directly, so why is my heart pounding?

CARE Appointment - ...take 10 minutes, so she saw me. She advised that if I wasn't currently scared, then I could...

Codependency - ...I feel sick to my stomach. I hate thinking about and gaining information about possible separation without him knowing what all I'm doing. But if I'm right...

A Miracle is What You Deserve -  was in the car praying that I be given peace and comfort in my own home. That every one of my family members find...

Do It My Way - ...My eyes welled up with tears - a BIG no-no. I said that I didn't agree with his opinion,...

Don't Remember - ...living in fear of my husband's reactions to almost any "abnormal" event takes its toll in symptoms such as forgetting important appointments and over-thinking small decisions...

Do They Get It? - I'll keep trying to get through, but I don't know for how much longer. I'm feeling exhausted and on edge most of the time.

Floating

He Found the Guns - not having a "plan" produces anxiety, but being required to have a "plan" for any tiny infraction (or a "plan" for my husband finding the guns!) is exhausting...

Good Advice and a Panic Attack - ...panic attacks constrict thinking to a point of being unable to see any hope or solution for any problem and they can create a problem where there is none...

Knot Spinning - ...describes the constant battle of anxiety vs. depression, and how they tenuously co-exist in my gut...

Never Change - ...He tells me "I won't change" A LOT. Am I willing to leave within the next 6 weeks? I'm ready to leave NOW, but I have no way. No way YET...

Nice Again - ...when my husband alternates between being mean and being sweet, he throws me off balance wondering why or when the "other guy" is going to reappear...

Slap, Push, Left - ...anytime physical violence occurs it serves to feed anxiety and distress...

Tilly - ...it's hard to explain how his insinuations can cause so much stress...when he insinuates something ridiculous, I pretty much know his temper is to follow...

Trick or Treat? - ...long, drawn-out and circular conversations add to the depressive feelings of hopelessness and the anxious feeling that it's getting harder and harder not to do or say something "wrong"...

Unless I Change - ...Maybe I need an anger management class so I can get to the point of hoping this works out and having the energy and confidence to try a new approach...

What is Real? - doubting myself to the point that inner conversations become circular and pointless shows a lack of clear thought which is a sign of depression and anxiety...

You People - ...constantly being labeled by my husband makes me doubt my own definitions of myself and I fight to avoid his definition of me...it's tiring...

Food - ...it's amazing just how often I'm required to "read" him before engaging in a simple conversation, there's no sure outcome to any of them, just the assured entry point of feeling anxious about what could happen...

Gateway - ...change produces anxiety, sometimes the good type, but when I'm already weighted under previous depressive and anxious feelings, change can feel impossible...

Goodbye and Good Luck - ...I spent an entire day wondering what he was going to do next after this veiled threat...

Mind Fuck - ...The dangers of living in an abusive situation mess with my mind. On the one hand, I know that abusers can and will escalate abuse when they feel as if they're losing control...

Money for a Calendar - ...the cost of school supplies is enough to set me worrying about his reaction instead of how to organize the budget...

Money for a Calendar, Pt II - ...Geesh. Shit. I hate this...

Rape Secret - ...spent YEARS wondering why I was suddenly so, um, "willing" to have sex after going through such a traumatic "1st time" experience. Why couldn't some counselor just say, "You know,...