Crazy-Making Journal Entries

Crazy-Making occurs in a variety of forms. These journal entries either show crazy-making at work or the effects of a crazy-making environment.

Less Than I Am - I feel like I'm always proving my love to him, but I always fail in his eyes. Always. I can't do anything well enough...

Moody - I either am so deeply in love with Will that I can't see, or else he is irritating the shit out of me...

I Wouldn't Sleep - ...he woke me up to angrily ask about the toilet being clogged. Twice. He was on the phone when the toilet got clogged with the toy, so he knew about it before he got home...

Rotten Mood & an Angel Message - Worthless. Poopy. Bad. Careful. Never mind...in my head or in reality?...

Remember the Rape - ...The rape - Will says it has something to do with our marriage problem...

Prayer is the Same - my abuser keeps me in the dark concerning his feelings so he can change them at will and use my ignorance against me...

15 Minutes - my abuser wants me to be confused over who I am and why I feel the way I do so I am easier to control...

The Army Thing - my abuser makes huge life-changing decisions without my input, but acts as if he cares about my input (usually after it's too late)...

Opals and Roses - my abuser is "evil" and then "good" repeatedly until I get to the point of wanting to forget the bad stuff quickly to hopefully save my sanity...

Sex Was Bad - ...there is no sexual abuse when you're married, ... right?...

Self-Discipline - my abuser tells me what I am so often that I think I am that label and then my idea of what I am changes to match his...

It's All You - ...image shows him angry and me ashamed or cowering...just the way abusers want it to be...

3 Things - my abuser goes back on his word consistently, calls me names that describe himself, in an effort to shake my understanding of reality...

Boundaries - most of my abuser's tactics that I've identified to defend myself against work together to create an environment of crazy-making...

CARE Appointment - my abuser acts in ways that make me feel fearful, but then tells me I am acting spiteful or crazy or whatever...he cannot comprehend my reactions to him...

Do It - my abuser attempts to insert his own thoughts into my head and wants me to act as if they're my own...

Don't Remember - when my abuser feels he is losing control of me, he begins acting out loudly and constantly...with so much of my attention on him it is hard to pay any attention to myself or my needs...

He Found the Guns - my abuser lists all the reasons he is mad but will not consider my reasons for hiding the guns as relevant or concerning...

Half Dead Mouse - I am feeling exactly how he wants me to feel...like his plaything...

Jabbing Will - my use of a phone conversation with another person to give a message to my husband (who is listening in) is just the type of indirect communication "crazy-making" relies upon...

Never Change - protection mode, defensive mode...crazy-making results in the abuse victim resorting to an emotional or mental defense mechanism to shield themselves from further injury...

Nice Again - good outweighs bad and the abuser's use of the nice-guy persona guarantees the victim will feel as if her memory of the bad-guy must be warped, thereby playing further into the abuser's hand...

Nothing - my abuser wants me to believe that I am responsible for his happiness, his ability to relax in his own home, in short, that I am in control of his thoughts and emotions...nothing could be further from the truth.

Protect You - he wants to protect me from what he thinks I think...

Tilly - going back on promises and pretending they were never made, blaming me for the loss of his personal items, storming and stomping, ignoring me...all provide a crazy-making environment.

Trick or Treat? - We'll see if anything he said at the end of the "conversation" last night stays true or if, as I fear, his first opportunity to back pedal and twist my words becomes my next soul-stealing verbal bashing...

Unless I Change - the more I question myself, the more likely I am to relinquish control to someone else...Am I codependent? Am I an abuser? Am I an active participant in my own abuse?...

Who's Warped - ...my abuser insists that  I am the "crazy" one...Will says ...my relationship with him is wrapped up in my warped view of men in general...

CARE Appointment 3 - his crazy-making diverts my attention onto questioning myself...

College - my abuser presents my ideas as his own when he sees no other way of appeasing me...

Food - bringing up past issues as if they were new, refusing to honor my request to talk about it later, etc. results in a crazy-making atmosphere...

Goodbye and Good Luck - veiled threats my abuser can later pass off as my imagination feed into the very real craziness that has become my life...

10 Rules to Live By - ...10 arbitrary "rules" I've learned over the years that are truly crazy-making...

Mind Fuck - crazy-making re-classifies my behavior as questionable thereby throwing the attention off of his own...

Money for a Calendar - crazy-making results in my desire to control a conversation in hope of avoiding his anger and wrath...crazy-making turns me into my own worst enemy...

Money for a Calendar, Pt II - crazy-making boils down to the abuser's belief that everyone but him must validate and explain their actions, emotions and thought process so he can tell them how wrong they are...

Mountainous Molehills - crazy-making behavior is designed to point the questions away from the abuser...

Prediction - So me pretending to hold his viewpoints is me being me? Or is it me pretending to be him, sending mixed messages to the boys about what my own viewpoints MAY or MAY NOT be?!...

Prayer is the Same - I feel that Will is on board too, and that unites us and strengthens us forever...(shouldn't he tell me these things instead of make me guess?)...