CARE Appointment Three
January 13, 2009
Today's visit with my DSS counselor was very informative. Unsettling, but informative. Evidently, I made two major mistakes. It is not always a good idea to file a police report after domestic violence.
Quick Recap: The other night after Will pushed me over the table, etc., I left the house with the boys. After dropping them off at a friend's house, I went to the sheriff's department and gave a report to the deputy on duty. The following morning, I took the boys home knowing Will wouldn't be there. I didn't make them go to school because we had had a rough night.
For any of you thinking about filing a police report for domestic violence, here are the two blunders I made:
- I slapped Will. I did not use my words, but instead I chose to use physical violence. My DSS angel said that any incident in which I was physically violent with Will should not be reported to the police. It doesn't matter if I feel the violence I inflicted on him was "less" or "not as emotionally damaging." The court doesn't care. In fact, if it came down to it, Will could use my own police report against me, if he chose to do so.
- The following morning, I felt safe enough to return home. Therefore, the children's routines should have been enforced. They should have gone to school. In the eyes of the law, keeping them home in this situation could be construed as neglect.
Her two points make sense to me. For number one, what's good for the gander is good for the goose. Any form of physical violence is wrong. The courts do not look at verbal, emotional, or mental abuse the same way they see physical abuse. Proving my slap was a "defensive maneuver" of any sort is impossible.
Of course, defending myself from a physically violent attack is different. If Will had physically abused me first, the fact that I slapped him would be irrelevant. At least, that's my current understanding.
In fact, the more I learn about abuse and my "role" in it, the more I WANT to learn to hold my temper in check. He can't make me feel anything I don't want to feel; at least, that's the theory I'm working with right now. So how can he "make" me physically defensive in a verbal situation? He can't.
For number two, I assumed that because I was emotionally torn up from the night before that the boys were, too. I didn't ask them. I didn't know. I assumed they felt the way I did, so I let them sleep. The thing is that verbal, emotional and mental abusers ASSUME they know what their victims are thinking and feeling, too. In my assumption that the boys were emotionally wrecked like I was, I also assumed I knew what they were thinking and feeling.
The only difference is that my neglect for their well-being (keeping their routine and going to school despite what happened the night before) was more of a "passive" abuse than "active."
I have to remember that ANY TIME I ASSUME to know what someone else thinks or feels, I'm walking on a dangerous road.
When I explain it on paper, it seems more questionable than the courts make it out to be. I wonder, where does being a parent end? Where's the line demarcating where I stop "doing what I think is best" for my children? When did someone take away my ability to think for my minor children in times of distress? Isn't it my job to protect them, keep them healthy and comfortable, do what I think is best for them AT ALL TIMES? Or at least until they're adults in the eyes of the law?
How is it possible to meet every emotional challenge calmly and with foresight? How is it possible to NOT exhibit symptoms of abuse after dealing with it for so long? How do I know if I'm making excuses or raising valid arguments?
How do I go backwards to become more like the person I was before the abuse started?
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