What is Change?
November 10, 2008
I've been thinking "If he loved me, he'd see what he's doing to us and WANT to change." But I was wrong. His changing has nothing to do with whether he loves or hates me. The truth is that if he loved himself, he'd see what he's doing to himself and WANT to change. And that's the bottom line. He has to love himself. For as much as I try and have tried to teach him to love himself, I cannot.
There is one big thing he needs to do in order for me to believe he wants to change. He has to go to therapy. He has to go by himself. And later, after I see real change, I will go to marriage counseling.
By "change" I mean that...
- He catches himself and corrects his own insults.
- He apologizes.
- He shows real empathy toward the boys, me, and other people he cares about.
- He is willing to schedule free time with the three of us in which he doesn't set the agenda.
- He is willing to do something one of us wants to do without EXPECTING "payback."
- He learns effective ways to manage his anger, and USES them.
- He no longer stretches or distorts the truth to fit his version of reality.
In general, his presence does not induce anxiety or the "eggshell effect." I realize he cannot change the feel of his "presence" or years of ingrained habits overnight. However, improvement should be noticeable overall, over time, and for the rest of the time we're together.
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