Slap, Push, Left
December 18, 2008
I don't remember exactly why Will was mad about money. In the aftermath, I remember thinking that I hadn't smelled any alcohol on him, but I wanted to HOPE he had been drunk and not "himself."
There's a fantasy for you - thinking that alcohol "changes" people. It doesn't. Alcohol only allows them to be themselves without restraint and inhibition.
That evening, Will had said some really mean things to me, and I had not chosen to leave the area. Instead, I wanted to stand up for myself. I was explaining why I wasn't the way he said I was when he got on the phone with customer service - right in the middle of my sentence.
You should have heard his tone change. It was immediate. He was friendly with the person on the phone. That made me so mad! If he was angry enough to yell and storm around banging on stuff just ONE SECOND ago with me, then how could he turn into that nice guy with someone else?!
Unfortunately, I went over to him and said, "I was talking to you!" Okay. I yelled it.
As he got up from the chair to walk away, he said, "Leave me alone, cunt!"
"What did you say?" I cried. I followed him, saying, "What did you say to me?!"
He calmly said to the person on the phone, "I'm sorry you have to hear her like this. I'll call back later." Then he said to me, "I called you what you are."
We were face to face. His face was red, and I imagine that vein was popping out on my forehead.
I slapped him.
He said, "Do you think that hurt me? Do you think you could possibly hurt me?!"
I snatched the bill he was holding from his hand and started tearing it into little pieces. Here is where I turned away, dropping little pieces of paper as I went. I started walking to the bedroom. I had done something wrong. I hadn't used words, I'd used physical violence. Of everything going through my head, the idea that he would retaliate never entered my mind.
Next thing I knew, he spun me around by my shoulder, pushed me over the high end table onto the couch, and held me there by my chest and throat while he yelled at me.
I remember him saying that I didn't appreciate anything he ever did for me, and I remember thinking, "What? What just happened?" I was scared. I was helpless. There was nothing I could do and I didn't say a word in response to him. I remember being embarrassed because of the way I'd fallen onto the couch. Because of the table, I was positioned in an uncomfortable way. I remember seeing my feet behind Will's head.
As suddenly as it started, it ended. "Look what you did!" he yelled. "How am I going to take care of this bullshit when I can't even read the bill?!" He walked back into the kitchen, picked up the phone, and called customer service.
My back hurt and somehow my knee hurt. My back was scraped and my knee was bruised when I checked the next morning. But right then, I just needed to get out of the house. I needed to go. And I did. I came back for the boys a minute later. I wasn't thinking very clearly at all. I wasn't even crying.
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