The Gift of Fear
If you are afraid, there is a reason. Explore it before you're in imminent danger. Even if your abuser has never laid a hand on you, if your intuition tells you something is going to happen, trust yourself.
Since writing this entry, I've found two books that said that the best indicator of future domestic violence is the victim's sense of impending danger.* Never ever ever ignore your gut. "Unlike worry, [intuition] will not waste your time," says Gavin DeBecker.
I Hid the Guns
November 14, 2008
Today I hid his shotguns. He shouldn't notice for a while, if at all. I don't REALLY know if he would use them on me or not, but,
- I know he is comfortable using the shotguns.
- I know he said his new shotgun (legal short barrel) is for "killin' folks".
- I know that he has stated (at different times, jokingly and in anger) that there are many different ways to kill people and get away with it. I know he wanted to tie "psycho bitch" to a tree, slice her up and let the wild animals eat her (granted - at the time, I could see his point. She had threatened our home by firing her gun over the house and across the yard).
- I know that 16 years ago he held my face near a hot stove burner (no burn thankfully), grabbed my by the throat and hit my head against a door until I pretended to pass out. Then he threw a pitcher of cold water on me as I lay on the floor (I didn't respond). Then he threw me over his shoulder and bounced me all the way upstairs saying, "This'll wake you up, whore." I stayed "out" and then he threw me on the bed.
- I know that in Texas he grabbed me by the face and put me where he wanted me to be.
- I know that he has jokingly told many family members and friends that if he killed me he'd run my body through a wood-chipper and use it to feed the fish in the pond. (That was in TX.)
- I know that he has blocked my passage several time.
- I know that he has threatened to punch Marc at least once in anger; many times he threatens physical violence against the boys.
- I know the boys and I flinch when he gets close to us during arguments or "talks" as he calls his yelling lectures.
- I know he's blocked the door so Marc couldn't leave the house during an argument last month.
- I know he makes "chopping" gestures right in my face when he's really mad.
- I know he points his finger in my face when he's really mad.
- I know I'm scared of him.
- I know I'm scared of what's MAYBE coming.
- I know that two books I've read recently tell me that the woman's fear that the man will hurt her is a more valuable indicator of future violence than any other indicator on any list.
I'm glad I hid the guns.
* "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker is an excellent book as I try to regain a sense of trust in myself by honoring my intuition. The other book is "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans; she references DeBecker's book.
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