Another Dream

You may have noticed that I consider my dreams to be valid thoughts. Of course, like all thoughts, interpretation depends on your perspective. Nevertheless, dreams have the ability to take me out of my normal thought process and present information in a newer (if more symbolic) format.

Sometimes, that's all I need to clarify my thinking. And sometimes, that's just enough to confuse me further! Regardless, if you want to interpret my dreams for me, you are always welcomed. Contact me anytime.

Gnawing Hurt

November 10, 2008

I Had A Dream

Will was dead. Or was it my dad? Or my Papaw ? Well, of course my dad and grandpa were dead; so was I grieving for Will? Or was I grieving at all?

That describes the entire feeling of this dream. I WAS grieving. I knew for fact my dad and Papaw were dead, and I missed them (although I know I can talk to them whenever I want). I think it was Will who I was grieving. But he wasn't dead, I don't think. I just had the feeling he wasn't dead.

I was trying to get the boys and some other kids ready for school, overcome with grief as I was. The kids were running late and not listening to me. At one point, Eddie said, "I'm doing it because you PISS me OFF!" I was so hurt.

Hurt added to hurt.

I told both (and all) of them that they were late and it was their own faults, so I wasn't going to go inside the school and sign them in - something I recently learned BOTH the boys are worried will happen; they'll be late and have to face the consequences because I wouldn't take the time to sign them in. Plus, with them being late, I was going to be late for school too.

But I didn't really WANT to go to school, and that was making me hurt too. I wasn't mad during this dream, just hurting.

Someone who works with Will and the guy's wife were standing around in this church I was hurrying the kids from. I hurt so bad, I just asked him if he knew Will had died. He said he did. I said that Will respected him; the guy was indifferent. He didn't care that Will died. Seemingly more important at the time, he was indifferent to the fact that Will respected him. He didn't care. He was unmoved.

In this same church, there were pictures of my family in a photo album. Mostly me and Pap and Papaw with other people too. Pap holding Marc as a baby. Me as a teenager with Papaw.

The only strange picture was a picture of Pap's naked butt, moving up and down, like he was having sex with someone. The only thing I can figure is that the dream happened after Will woke me up for sex and my mind was comparing Pap and Will - maybe letting me know that the "dead" people in the photo album represented Will.

Walking through the parking lot, my first crush saw me. He came to me, said "I heard about your dad" and gave me a hug. But it wasn't a real hug - it was a show hug. He was ready for me to move on, but today was a bad day - I couldn't move on. He did this in front of two people who knew [my first crush] wanted to "get with me" and they nodded in approval of his effort. I didn't buy it. I saw through it and went straight back to hurt.

The dream ended with me and the kids eating breakfast in a restaurant. We were all going to be late. I cared, I was angry about that, but I had decided that I was going to "make" them eat something. But it wasn't out of caring - eating something was a punishment. They didn't appear to be grieving anyone and I thought their reactions were out of line with my reality. I thought they should miss whoever had died, but they didn't.

They were late, it seemed to me, because they were upset that I was grieving. It was a complicated thing between them and me. And all I really did this whole dream was hurt. All I really felt was a deep, gnawing, full-body HURT.

It was agony.