He Found the Guns

November 18, 2008

Will found out I'd hidden the shotguns. When he asked me where they were, I told him. I didn't see any other way to handle it. I didn't have a plan for him discovering my "betrayal" so soon.

I asked why he noticed and he said he put his shoes away and noticed his Father's Day present was gone (the legal short-barrel shotgun). I find it suspicious that I told his father I hid the guns during a conversation yesterday and Will put his shoes away this morning when he was in such a hurry to get to work. He never does any "extra" thing when getting ready for work, especially when he's late.

He was

mad about me putting the guns in the attic because I don't have any sense about the value of a dollar - he said, "The guns already are rusting!",
mad because my imagination lets me think he would hurt me with the guns,
mad because my therapist and "all those damn books" are "obviously" planting ideas in my head,
mad because "Once again, you betrayed me!",
mad because I don't trust him since everything he does revolves around "protecting" this family,
mad because he wouldn't have a weapon handy if "some idiot leaves the door unlocked at night",
mad because there is obviously something wrong with me.

He said

that he wants to go to my therapist with me so he can tell the therapist the real story
that he wants to go to my therapist to see if the therapist is "worth a shit" and if he's not, then to find me a new one
that I have no idea how dangerous the world is
that I have no right to be afraid of him
that I am acting out of spite
that I am trying to control him
that I cannot comprehend the fact that guns cost money (even though I bought him the last one)
that I am the source of all the financial trouble because I don't understand the value of the dollar
that if I would be happier if I spent more time trying to fix our financial issues instead of making up things to be miserable about
that I am causing him to be angry
that I am causing his stress
that I am causing him to be late for work
that I want him to "fuck up at work"
that I am causing all the problems that we have
that I cannot trust my instincts because I'm wrong
that I have no idea how angry I've made him
that I have no idea what I'm doing to this family
that I cannot hold the respect of the children
that I do not know how to be a mother or a wife
that I should seriously consider the fact that I am crazy or have some mental deficiency
that I am stupid - "That's a fact! There's no other word for it!"
that I am being influenced by people who just want my money
that I am not using the brain God gave me
that I said he should start doing things the way he wanted to do them so the dog isn't allowed in the house
that I had to call the therapist today and get us an appointment after work
that if the therapist wouldn't do it after work then I had to find one who would
that he doesn't have enough time in the day to deal with my shit on top of his
that I was interrupting him constantly so that he couldn't think straight (when did I have time to interrupt him, I wonder? And if I did, when did he consider what I had said?)

Well, I said

I have a right to feel safe in my own home
that I hid the guns because he's recently threatened to punch Marc, that all of us flinch when he gets near us when angry, that he's blocked the door so Marc couldn't leave when I told the child to go to the neighbors, that his cycles of abuse are shortening and more frequent, that he's already been violent towards me in the past.
that he's had domestic violence classes at work, and if he had paid attention, he would know that the things he's done and said were indicators of future violence
that the kids did respect me
that it's funny how a man with no respect for psychotherapy of any sort can analyze me enough to know what's wrong with me, what I'm doing, what I'm thinking and why I'm thinking it
that any man would be upset to find that his wife had hidden his guns and hopefully when he calmed down he would consider other reasons why I may have hidden his guns
that nothing I said would make a difference, so I wasn't going to say anything else.

And I didn't.

Verbal Abuse Journals

He Found the Guns

November 18, 2008

He was

He said

Well, I said