CARE Appointment
November 18, 2008
Went to my CARE Center appointment today. Actually, looking toward it may have been what kept me sane today after the gun incident - I was terribly upset, not knowing how to handle the fact that he'd discovered my "betrayal".
When I got there, she wanted to reschedule me, but I told her I had one question that would take 10 minutes, so she saw me. She advised that if I wasn't currently scared, then I could go home and try to smooth over the situation just to ease the tension.
She didn't say how to do that, but I know how. I think. She told me the two things to look for this afternoon after he got home - cleaning the weapons in front of me, or holding one while staring at me. Geesh. If anyone looked at me while cradling their weapon, I hope I'd know that it wasn't a good situation.
I guess when the person cradling the gun is someone who you're supposed to trust, then sitting there with him may not seem so dangerous. Fortunately (?) for me, I don't trust him anymore. I did wonder about the cleaning of the weapons a little. He did say that the guns were "already rusting" as he carried them out of their hiding spot in the attic.
When he got home he had brought a friend with him to wire the cable in his dad's new apartment over the garage. When he did come into the house, he ignored me except when I consciously "engaged" him to hear the tone of his voice about five minutes after entering (sounded neutral), when he thought he didn't have a lunch for work tomorrow, and to say "It's your sister" when the phone rang.
When I talked to my sister on the phone, I assumed he was listening to my half of the conversation ('cause he always does). I told her he'd found the guns (so he'd know she knew what had been going on). In response to her saying "Oh no! What happened?", I just told her the usual ugliness without getting into the whole thing.
She asked me if I felt safe. I told her that he was ignoring me which was part of the abuse cycle called "withdrawing". It typically happens with him when there's something important we need to discuss but he wants me to know there's something more important on his mind.
In this case, it's getting ready for a military school tomorrow. I know he was withdrawing because even after he packed for class, there was plenty of time in which he could have talked to me about what happened this morning, but he didn't.
My sister asked me what I was going to do. I said, "I can't say right not" partly because I don't know and partly because he doesn't need to know about any ideas I do have on the situation. Why tell him the future he probably thinks he already knows anyway?
She mentioned that since he's been home in August, he hasn't talked to her on the phone except when she had a plumbing question. Even then, she said, he didn't tell her hello or ask how she was - he just dove into the explanation. "It's weird," she said. I have to agree. Since he's been home in August, things have been "weirder" than usual on all counts.
She and I talked about some other things including some really funny stuff that happened with our dogs. It felt really great to laugh! I had tears rolling down my cheeks thinking about those dogs.
Will listened to the whole conversation, but didn't say a word to me all evening. I couldn't really think about anything, so I drew a picture.
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