That's A Lot of Power
December 6, 2005
[Working with "Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back" by Gail Saltz.]
I've been doing NOTHING with Bluelady Muse the past few months. I feel really bad about "abandoning" her, but wasting time and having no plan are getting to me. I'm going to fail if I keep this up. I've been praying to get to the bottom of the problem, and I think I am unraveling "my story".
It seems to start around the time I was faking stomach aches in 3rd grade. I saw a shrink after no medical condition was found.
I remember Meme telling me what the shrink thought. I though I should love living with my grandparents, but I really wanted to be with my mom and dad. The stress was causing stomach upset (psychosomatic). The explanation never seemed to fit. At the time, I couldn't say that my stomach didn't really hurt. All I knew was that SOMETHING was wrong, and I didn't want to go to school.
I remember getting a lot of attention from this episode from Meme. After I thought I'd reached a dead-end with the faking, I resumed going to school. Making my mom worry (and setting myself up for failure) gave me the attention I craved.
Of course, at the time, I only thought about getting her attention. I wasn't concerned with missing school, keeping up a lie, or the emotional stress it caused me. I simply couldn't articulate what I NEEDED. As a child, I did the next best thing and found a way to get what I needed even though I couldn't SAY what it was.
In fact, "attention" from Meme is the same as "worry" from Meme. (Maybe I'm repeating this with Marc and Eddie to some degree?). I "learned" that there had to be something wrong with me before my mom would love me. So, in a way, perhaps it is an "abandonment" issue - if I had to cause a stir to get attention, then maybe I felt that to be loved, I needed a problem.
Meme came out of her Depression when she worried about me. I had the power to bring her back to life (make her alive) through her worry/fear for me.
That's a lot of power, isn't it? Destructing myself gives reason and life to other people I love. Even though I'm hurting myself, I gain power over the ones I love.
Now, how exactly can that really be true?
If anything, the destruction/power balance each other leaving me exactly where I was with the addition of a "track record" for failure in the things I try to accomplish.
I'm squashing myself for the "rush" of excitement over seeing someone's love for me in an exaggerated form.
Is this another psycho babble moment? Feeling unworthy of love by just being me?
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