Causing Drama
December 16, 2005
Bored, but causing conflict then trying to hide it then revealing it at crisis point then blaming him for not knowing what's going on when in fact it's my responsibility for not telling him in the first place that I was bored.
Making excitement for myself by creating conflict, living with it and then revealing it in my own time - when I can't handle the stress alone anymore.
Who else did I deal with in this way? Meme. Pap. I create negative attention for myself. Why? Get stronger negative attention than positive. "Good Job" awards, commendations are never as good as negative reactions?
Why?
Nothing I can ever do will be "good enough."
Why is that?
Wasn't allowed the honor of skipping 3rd grade. Never encouraged to go to Berkeley. "Monkey faces" is how Meme described my art. Went to loads of concerts on my own. Good grades taken for granted.
Maybe I just didn't get the positive reaction I wanted? Couldn't bring happiness to them, approval from them the "good" way, so I ran off to the Army, married a man they wouldn't like, stopped school, started smoking, drinking, young mother, Army would definitely worry them, moving far away worried them. Are most of the bad decisions I've made based on my desire to SEE love in my parents' faces?
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