Better Armed
April 7, 1999
Am I courageous? Maybe in trite simple ways. I don't know that I have ever been tested and passed - I have been tested and failed. But now I am better armed for the next time.
I know what it means to love someone. I know how it feels to lose someone. I know how it feels to realize neither I nor those I love can be together continuously - one of us will die before the other. I hope I go first because I am selfish.
But then, I do not want the ones who love me to bear the pain of loss.
To live a hundred years is to lose many times over - but to live a hundred years is to gain a million hints of what it will be like in Heaven. Catch 22.
Courage to live everyday knowing an end will come is all I know. Not dreading or hiding away, but living takes the most courage. And in this life we are faced with challenges requiring minute amounts of the courage waking up takes.
I guess I am cycling downward again. This struggle seems never-ending. Visions of horrors I cannot make real by writing them out play in my mind over and over...
God, please reveal these pictures for what they are - fears of losing my family. Too much to bear sometimes. What am I supposed to do? Any answer would help. How do I live in times like these? How do I learn to live?
Share a life. I want to share my life, but I keep everyone at a distance. I feel like there is something more to it that I just don't get.
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