Why I Fear
April 26, 1998
"Write what you fear from yourself that keeps you back. Write of why you fear."
Afraid of. What am I afraid of?
Disappointing myself. But I do not have a base line to judge myself against, so how can I disappoint myself?
In regard to art, I'm disappointing myself because:
- it looks juvenile
- it's not drawn correctly
- it doesn't fit page the way I expected
- it's too bright and primary (except red)
- it's not truly interesting
- I don't let enough of myself drain into the picture
Am I afraid to put myself in the picture because if my painting is disliked, then I am disliked?
Is being disliked a childhood fear? I know I have certainly been told by enough people not to care what anyone else things. Yet I guess I do. I am always trying to please another, or hope to portray the "correct" image.
What image is ME? I don't know exactly. And am I happy with it? If not, how can I be contented with myself? Do I need to change me now to fit who I am to become? Who do I want to become?
What are my goals and hopes for myself? Why am I drifting? I am happy and secure here at home, but have no direction for the future. What might I like to do when Marc starts school? What about when they're both in school? That's a lot of free time - and what do I do now to prepare for being on my own?
It is time to find out who I am NOW and quit reaching for why I am like I am now.
All that really matters is who I become - what goals do I want for myself? That question is a scary one. Examining myself and actually finding out where I want to go. Next time, I'm going to make a list of who I want to be and where I want to be in my life. Some goals - some things to shoot for.
Good. This was good.
- I fear because I don't have any expectations or goals for myself.
- I fear that I'll be this same confused person, drifting toward WHAT in years from now.
- I fear setting goals.
- I fear failure because I don't know what is expected of me.
It's an endless circle unless I stop it.
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