My Rape
July 7, 1998
I read over my old journals today, and so far [the previous entry] is accurate. I threw away the journal that talks about [the boy and my rape]. If I remember right, there was no mention of him in the journal until I wrote, "Let's just say I hope I get my period."
The date it happened, Denise, Tony, and I were at Tommy's house. All of our parents were at work. We kids were in the house watching television. (Was it Woody Woodpecker?) Denise and Tony left to go to Nana's house for tea, but I stayed.
I knew Tommy was at home, and that he had flirted with me in the past. I was on the couch and he came and sat next to me. He talked and then kissed me.
I was used to kissing because I had kissed [my first boyfriend] often. He pushed me onto my back, but I was used to having a boy lay on top and rub on me, too. I thought, "This is going fast -" and wanted to tell him to stop but didn't.
He felt my vagina by pulling the crotch of my running shorts to the side. This is where I thought we were going. He had taken his penis out to rub on my shorts, but the next thing I knew, he was poking it inside of me. At first, I didn't realize it was his penis. I spent what seemed like forever wondering what he was doing.
When I had decided that it was in fact his penis inside of me, I wanted to say, "No No No!" but I thought it was way too late now and I was already ashamed and I felt stupid that it had come to this.
I felt like there was nothing I could do and by then he had come inside of me.
I remember his breath was very strong and minty, and I thought, "He had this planned!" but I didn't have time to think about it much more because Nana was knocking on the door.
We got up, I adjusted my pants, and I told him I would sneak out the back.
I ran into the cornfield and tried to console myself. At that time, I felt embarrassed and stupid, let down, dirty and surprised. I tried to smile about my "first time," but I wasn't happy about it. I felt responsible because I had flirted with him, so how could I be mad at him?
It was all my fault.
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