Remember My Rape
For a very long time, my husband has insisted that the cause of our marriage problems is because I was raped. He says that I can't believe he loves me, get so hurt at what he says to me, etc., because I was raped. Although I do not believe that my rape is the cause of our problems, I have spent a lot of time alone and with therapists talking about what happened when I was 14. For the record, I believe our marriage problems stem from verbal abuse. Verbal rape of the mind and soul. The next four entries deal with my thoughts on my rape.
How I Met My Rapist
July 6, 1998
The rape - Will says it has something to do with our marriage problem. Let me write down what I remember and see if it helps.
...me at 14
I don't think sex had even crossed my mind when I realized that maybe possibly boys were interested in me, or maybe possibly I could get them to be interested because I was cute (but didn't want to admit it - I thought my legs and butt too big and chest too small - the normal stuff).
At 13, I fell in love with my first boyfriend. We had made out A LOT but mostly kissing with a feel every now and then. I was just becoming a young woman - right on that border between kid and young woman. Unsure about my body - wanting to kiss and experiment, but not go "all the way."
Anyway, when I was 14, I tried to get the oldest boy visiting next door for the summer, to notice me. Not because I was interested (although I thought he was cute) as much as whether I could get him interested in me.
The day I met [my rapist], I remember I was wearing my first bikini (blue) and playing on the swing set with [my sister] . We had been hanging out with [my rapist's brother], who was close to my age. Playing in the hose, biking, outdoorsy stuff.
But [my rapist] was an "older man" - he was 17, and I wanted to meet him.
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