Explanations or Excuses?
I'm not certain this was a true "moral" inventory. I am sure that it was inspired by Courage to Change, a book put out by the Al-Anon program. Looking at it now, I see that 60% of the list describes negative traits, and some of the positive ones are things I do or like, not things I am.
Alcoholic Anonymous literature says you should not "beat yourself up" in a moral inventory, and I feel I did beat myself up while making this list without knowing it.
Moral Inventory
January 26, 1998
I added some notes on January 13, 2009, about 11 years after writing the original list.
Intuitive
Learn new things easily
Empathetic
Being empathetic is a good thing, in moderation. I am (or was) so overly empathetic that I "understand" why my husband reacts in certain ways and therefore "excuse" behavior that really should not be excused. Be aware that your abuser can and will take your positive qualities and use them against you.
Worry about world events
Worry about world events?! Instead of being aware of what's going on in my own life, I am worrying about the choices strangers are making. It's so much easier to enmesh myself in things I cannot control than face the problems I could solve. I think this statement is a form of denial.
Sarcastic at times, then feel bad
I used sarcasm as a retaliatory action, but it never made me feel better about what had been said to me, and it didn't help me feel better about myself. Of all my bad habits, sarcasm was the easiest to quit.
Organized
Impatient
Cook well
Enjoy art and music
Stuck where I am
What in the heck is wrong with me? Here it is 2009 and I still feel stuck. How long is it going to take for me to do the thing that moves me out of this place?!
Lazy
I'm not lazy, but that's what he's told me and implied. He wanted me to be a homemaker, I told him I'd be a homemaker, and now he resents me for being a homemaker. Anyway, I think I put in the similar word lethargic next on the list because that's how I truly felt - apathetic and sluggish, beat down and defeated.
Lethargic
Ignore myself and my body
I've spent so much time and effort wondering "What the hell just happened?!" and "How am I responsible so I can fix it?" that, over time, I started to forget that I am more than "our problem." While wondering if I was crazy (or quickly becoming that way), it became easy to ignore my SELF. This thinking didn't happen at first; it's a symptom of time.
Bitter about some things
Well, duh. I receive no apologies even though I give them. I receive no explanations even when I deserve them. I receive no encouragement, no loving conversation, no attention unless he wants something from me in addition to my "prescribed duties" OR I've done something "unforgivable." (*translation: I've made a mistake.)
Hell yeah, I'm bitter about some things. I don't want to remain bitter, but it's a constant battle to forgive and forget when no time is given between assaults and no apologies are given.
Too Emotional
Being an emotional person is not necessarily a bad thing unless "he" calls it a bad thing - the idea that I am "too emotional" comes straight from my husband's mouth. Repeatedly.
Easily hurt
Am I easily hurt? Or am I emotionally raw due to the constant put-downs? Or maybe he thinks he should get to say and do whatever he wants and I should simply shut up and take it? He gets angry at my tears - literally angry when I cry. Over anything.
Find it hard to love the way that I want to on a consistent basis
It is hard to love unconditionally when the one you want to love limits his expression of what appears to be love to when he feels you "deserve" it.
Bad temper - I speak UGLY!
I thought I was defending myself, but I was really just giving him a reason to yell and storm back at me. If I'm an ass, he feels justified in being an ass too.
Second guess others' actions
Yes, second-guessing is wrong. When in doubt, ask. But you can never be certain your abuser will tell you the truth. What's he going to say? "Why, yes, honey, I did say that horribly mean thing to you hoping you would get angry and fly off the handle thereby giving me justification to call you irrational, irresponsible, unappreciative and a cunt."
Feel isolated
Abusers want secrecy. They don't want to lose face with their friends, co-workers, or family. Abusers are the "nice guys" with everyone but you. That way, if you begin speaking out, "no one" believes you. By the time you figure out what's going on, your only "friends" are HIS friends.
Isolating me from my family and friends is priority number one. In the beginning, none of my friends were suitable because they were "whores." When he left the army, he insisted on a country home away from everyone. We had no neighbors within hearing distance and his family (which "is full of women" and therefore a potential threat) were an hour or more away. Even now he tries to discredit my sister, my mother, my friends and neighbors - everyone I know independent of his friends right down to the authors who's books have helped me so much.
Potential for art and music
Know what? Not only do I have the potential, but I have the ability. Why did I write that I "enjoy" and have the "potential for" art and music? Because I devalued my gift after seven years of hearing him devalue it. To him, if I'm not getting paid to do it or if it doesn't serve his needs in some way, then I shouldn't do it.
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