Hateful Things
The most outrageous thing about this journal entry is that I had forgotten it happened. It wasn't until I was preparing to start this website and going through old journals that I found it. I "found" it literally. I still do not "remember" this happening.
The mind is truly a wondrous thing, but I control what memories I store and where I store them. I wonder where this memory is stored, and what other hateful things I have filed alongside of it.
I Wouldn't Sleep
December 22, 1998
Out of Nowhere
I think I understand why it's so important to keep faith thriving during good times. It is so when the unexpected bad things happen, I am armed by God to handle them correctly.
Will grabbed me by the face and put me where he wanted me so he could yell and bully. He wouldn't let me out of the corner or later out of the room.
We worked it out, but he won't agree that he needs help. Obviously he doesn't know how to deal with his anger.
We worked out a plan to help us when we fight. Before we get angry and nasty, we take a short break and get back to it later. We were supposed to re-discuss the anger management and practice our new policy, but he blew that off.
Last night when I told him I wanted to talk about it some more, he got very defensive and turned nasty on the phone. I quietly hung up the phone. When he got home, he woke me up to angrily ask about the toilet being clogged. Twice. He was on the phone when the toilet got clogged with the toy, so he knew about it before he got home!
Before I fell asleep, I laid in bed nervous about the dogs in the house, the toilet, and that maybe he would find cookie crumbs on the carpet where the boys sneaked their cookies. I couldn't go to sleep until I asked God for protection and peace. Will slept in the boys' bed.
He's been up this morning long enough to yell at Eddie and later at Marc. The kids have a stomach virus and are cranky. Will went back to bed.
Anyway, since our conversation, he has tried to get his "point" across through anger. Banging on the wall and scowling at me during a conversation Mike and I were having about his new girlfriend (pertaining to my guy friends at the beginning of our relationship)!
Instead of working on his anger, it's like, "Getting pissed and loud worked last time...I'll try it again!" My promise to do the dishes every night feels more like fear than compromise. I resent it.
Denise was over yesterday and Will got all cooked up about something and then two other things on top of it. He told me he realized what he'd done. Instead of fixing the first thing, he got angrier and angrier - but then he fixed the first thing to cut off the cycle.
That of course, is great. But it's hard to be proud of him when I still get the embarrassment of his storming and stomping. This just sucks. Period.
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