I Felt Raped

July 9, 1998

I've been thinking about it. I really believe I felt raped. I really believe he didn't know it.

I have never held him responsible for many reasons - the main one being I think he truly felt innocent. My actions following the rape were meant to empower ME. I thought I was terrible and had let a terrible thing happen. But instead of admitting I wasn't ready for sex to myself or anyone else, I tried to cover it up by having more sex. One bad thing followed by more bad choices.

My question is now - Who do I admit this to? Would explaining my actions to family do any good? Or would it simply be a way to "punish" myself (for the big part of the lie - calling it RAPE and never giving the rest of the story).

I thought about calling [my rapist] and asking what he remembers of me. Trying to judge whether he knew what was going on or if he thought he was ever wrong. But #1, why would he admit to me he knew he was wrong, and #2, last I knew he was married with a baby - so how would my phone call disrupt his life? His innocent wife's and child's lives?

I think I should tell my family and Will and be done with it.

Verbal Abuse Journals

I Felt Raped

July 9, 1998