Sex hasn't been so good lately.
October 18, 1992
I was so cruel in what I told him. I said it just to make him hurt as much as he'd made me hurt when he called me those names and said such terrible things. So anyway,
I told him I just acted like I'd enjoyed sex the night before.
He was cutting into me about something and the subject got to how good of an actress I was to get my own way or something like that; I told him he believed my performance last night. He was stunned. He cried and hid in the bathroom.
We broke the door because I wanted in and he wouldn't come out. I tried to tell him I didn't mean it; I tried to explain that I made love to him sometimes when I didn't really want to at first because I wanted him to be happy.
He won't do that for me though. Sometimes, no matter how much I want to, he won't do it. I just want to cry right now - the last night I was home before coming out here he wouldn't make love to me. It hurt me so bad that he didn't want to. Not that I didn't get my way, but he didn't want to. No desire. He just let me lay there and cry and cry.
Maybe he'd rather not make love than worry about if I was really enjoying it or not. Maybe he just does it to hurt me. Maybe he just wants me to be scared of him for some reason. Afraid he'll leave, afraid he'll hit me again, afraid he'll call me "whore" again. He wants me totally dependent on him for some reason - so he has control.
He married me to fight me, it seems.
Beat me down and make me less than I am. That infuriates me. THAT is what scares me. What if he does win? Where will "I" go? Just disappear into the mold he has laid out for me.
I don't think it will come down to that. I think he'll come around before that happens. I don't want him to change, I want him to understand. Understand ME. I hope when he does understand he still loves me.
Later tonight:
I'm back. Will is locked down tonight (for real?). That's what he told Denise anyway; Staff Duty doesn't know anything about it. Yes, I'm curious and a bit mad, but I think he's telling the truth. You never know about that section of his.
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