"Less Than I Am" Photo Gallery

First Two Weeks

We'd been dating for two weeks at this point. This is the night Will wanted to fight some other guy who I had let down easy earlier in the week. When Will and the other guy met on the sidewalk and started talking crap, I walked away. Will was mad. He said that if he was going to fight for me then I couldn't just leave. I told him it was ridiculous to fight over me - neither one of them could "win me" in a fight anyway!

Later on, the mini-dress I am wearing became a huge problem. After we were married, he didn't like the way I dressed anymore.

He said that married women shouldn't dress like sluts.

Drunk

We (meaning "soldiers") did a lot of drinking in Germany. Alcohol became a way of life, but it was very new to me. Will was angrier when he was drinking, but I was more fun-loving. The two extremes of our personalities didn't mix well.

Intensity

Will is intense and focused in most everything he does. When he argues with me he wears this same expression. Sometimes I feel that his words may as well be the gun he's holding.

On the Cross(roads)

I drew this before our wedding, but after our engagement. Our relationship changed quickly after we decided to get married.

I think it's interesting that her mouth is half-way blocked. Maybe I felt my voice disappearing. I thought he loved me and maybe wanted to protect me. But from what?

Braid It Tight

Two of my squad members had a weekly hair braiding ritual. Trust me, that hair wasn't going anywhere when she was done! I included this drawing to show that I still had interests and relationships outside of Will at this point. It wouldn't be long before he was the only person in my life.

Wedding Day

We were married in Horsens, Denmark in April 1992. We asked another couple to take our pictures for us. This picture kind of bothers me - we're leaning away from one another. I find that a little strange, but it is just a snapshot. Maybe a second before or after this moment would have shown a different image.

Sunshine and Smiles

I love the sunlight and the smiles in this picture! Will was nervous before the wedding, but I was nervous after it. That's not unusual for me - I used to get stage fright after an orchestra concert, not before it!

Big Kiss

We're in our new house in Germany. I remember being in a really good mood after taking pictures of him in his uniform. My sister was visiting and told me that she didn't like Will, but couldn't explain why. I didn't know what to say. I thought we'd iron out our differences and quit fighting before too long.

My Own Space

In the beginning, Will was fascinated by my artwork; I even had my own art room! Then I started creating images that made him uncomfortable. I guess my apprehension about our marriage started coming out through my art.

At this time Will started telling me to quit the "fine art thing" and start figuring out how to make money with my skill. I didn't want to follow his suggestion; he told me I was impractical.

Self Portrait

When I did this drawing I thought I was being defiant. I remember thinking that the background was like Freddy Krueger's shirt in those movies, but it seemed to fit. Freddy wasn't afraid of anything, but now I wonder if my fear of becoming "nothing" was tied into it somehow. Now, when I look at those eyes, I seem sad. Maybe resigned. Not defiant.

Our Haunted House

Besides the constant fighting between Will and me, I also dealt with at least one ghost in our house. Maybe our fighting stirred it up or maybe it was always there, I really don't know.

In this room, a shadow ghost appeared and wanted the door open at all times. I would shut the door, go into my art room, and then hear the door shut securely minutes later. Our weight room didn't get any use the whole time we were here.

Oktoberfest

We went to Oktoberfest with my sister and one of Will's friends. At one point, a sweet German guy came to our table to give me a flower. (It was innocent - he had a bunch of flowers he was giving to all the girls.) But before the guy could walk away, Will grabbed him by the throat and pushed him over a table.

Not Happy

I asked him to smile, but he was annoyed with the bus ride. I was absolutely loving our belated honeymoon, and I enjoyed myself despite his sour attitude. He did like Spain, and that was a relief.

In France, he told me my butt was looking fat right before the glorified titty-show at the Moulin Rouge. Talk about an evening killer! He enjoyed the topless dancers while I fretted that I was losing my figure.

We found out later that I was almost two months pregnant during the France trip. To his credit, that's the last time he commented on my body size.

Disjointed

I loved the orderly German landscape, but this drawing represents that "order" disjointedly. I was feeling out of sorts. Everything seemed to be different from what I had thought it was.

Will would tell me that he loved me, then call me a whore. He'd tell me that I was his equal, then say women had no place in the military. (He seemed fine with it before we were married!) Everything seemed to be double-speak; his opinion depended on his mood and who was around to hear it.

Kitchen Duty

I'm probably making a roast - that was all I knew how to cook until Will asked his mom for some of his favorite recipes. From the beginning, the housework and cooking were my responsibilities. The one time he cooked, we took pictures of the food laid out on the table.

Burnt

I was embarrassed of this picture as it came out of me. I think that I was feeling injured all over. The last protected areas of my soul were laid bare for Will in hope that "understanding me" would end the arguments. The more of myself I shared with him, the more ammunition he had to use against me. He'd twist my words to fit his version of reality. His reality stood in stark contrast to my own. I'm losing my boundaries in this picture. I am, in fact, losing myself.

Not Scary Yet

Will is in a good mood at our friends' military housing apartment. The worst of it started in the truck on the way home. He was scariest when we were alone.

I was pregnant with our first baby at this time. Being sober when he was drunk was more hurtful than when I was drunk too. When I was sober I could see beyond the anger to the irrational thinking behind it. The more I tried to understand where he was coming from, the more lost I felt.

Alternate Realities

Again with the sectioned realities. My reality was on the bottom depicted by the drowning woman. Will's reality was at the top showing a woman who looks like the vase of flowers beside of her. Will's friend said that he thought I was feeling like a "trophy wife" - someone for show, not someone of value to her husband.

At the time, I didn't see it this way. I thought I was drawing my feelings about not knowing who I was. I figured that I was young, and "not knowing" came with the territory. I guess I'd forgotten that I had known who I was only a year ago. Or maybe asking why that was true was just too painful.

Trophy Wife (detail)

The trophy wife has flowers growing out of her head. Are those my own thoughts being pushed out of my mind?

Drowning (detail)

The drowning woman is trying to breathe air through the stems of the flowers, but the flower stems only want water. I'm wanting Will to be my air, but he's more interested in being the water that silences me.

Verbal Abuse Journals