Side Effects of Verbal Abuse
The victim of a verbally abusive person slowly loses her Self. I am going to tell you what I have experienced first and then share a well-known author's checklist with you.
I am in a constant state of uncertainty about almost everything from my ability to raise children to my ability to do the laundry in a prescribed fashion.
I am often super-critical of myself and I experience self-doubt at even small decisions, to the point of decision-making paralysis. I would rather present the case to the abuser and let him make the decision IF I think he will not belittle me for doing so. Usually, if he considers the decision to be within his manly realm, he will treat me nicely as he decides.
I weigh my actions against his suspected reaction in hope of not doing the wrong thing. In short, I attempt to read the mind of my verbally abusive mate in hope of avoiding trouble, anger, and prolonged periods of extreme discomfort. I am rarely successful at mind-reading.
My own morality, thinking and way of doing things were replaced by my abuser's preferences in an attempt to avoid further abuse.
It's a disgusting and soul-killing way to live.
List of Verbal Abuse Side Effects
(Written by Patricia Evans with comments from me)
A verbal abuse victim often...
... distrusts her spontaneity
One time when we were dating, I turned the space heater on in my barracks room, put on my bikini, and painted an ocean scene on my midsection. I had a picnic basket and two beach towels laid out on the floor. That went well. A month after we were married, I concocted a similar scheme and I was told to stop being silly and act like a married woman.
... suffers a loss of enthusiasm
The last time I was excited about something I'd done for the Woman's Club (which preserves three historical buildings), he said something like, "I don't see why you're so excited - it's just a club full of old women."
... lives in a perpetually in a prepared, on-guard state
When I hear his ring-tone or see his white truck enter the drive, my stomach sinks and I brace myself. Is he in a good mood? Can I talk to him about xyz tonight? Should I tell him about what his son did or wait until another night? Is he going to be nice or not?! I wonder if he'll tell me why he's late or if I should ask...
... wonders about how she is coming across
I constantly search for the "right" word. Right now, the "wrong" words are "extra money." My vocabulary is always off in some way. "You didn't SAY that," is one of his favorite phrases. This uncertainty also extends to my habit of over-explaining things to him or saying the same thing three different ways in hope of getting my message across.
... thinks and feels that something is wrong with her
I used to think I was the problem. Whether it was because I was raped, harbored some unrecognized issue from childhood, or simply "warped in the head" (his words), I was ready to blame myself, find the problem, and fix it once and for all. I've spent years searching for "the problem."
Today, I know I am not perfect, but I also realize that there are no buried issues within me causing me to act and react in relationship-killing ways. My main problem is one I cannot fix because it lies within HIM, not me. I have choices on how I can deal with the problem, but I cannot FIX it.
... soul-searches and reviews incidents in hope of determining "what went wrong"
I spend a lot of time trying to figure out exactly what I did or said to trigger an abusive outbreak. For example, "extra money" is a phrase I avoid because at some point I decided that those words were the trigger to an outbreak.
What I'm learning is that "it is the perpetrator - not substance abuse, not the victim, not the relationship - that causes domestic violence." I can attempt to decipher what I did or said THIS TIME to "cause" the outbreak, but I'm learning that the exact same actions or words next time around may have no effect.
No amount of changing MYSELF is going to solve this problem. I'm wasting my time trying to fix something I cannot repair.
... experiences a loss of self-confidence
Right now, as of January 2009, I am rebuilding my confidence. The latest concern I have about whether or not I could repay student loans if I accept the responsibility. I'm going to have to stop the negative self-talk and worry about "what-ifs" that plague me.
There was a time where I felt my gifts and abilities were worth more than the cost it would be to develop them more fully. I was under no self-doubt or worry. I KNEW I was capable. My goal is to return to THAT way of thinking. To do so, I will have to redefine my abilities for what they are - God-given talents that will successfully lead me to a life of abundance.
... harbors a growing self-doubt
When I met my husband, there was nothing I couldn't do. Over the years, I have doubted everything from my artistic ability to my ability to cook toasted cheese sandwiches. It was really serious the day I couldn't make a toasted cheese sandwich! I felt like that was it - if I couldn't do that, then what kind of mother could I really be?!
... hears only her internalized "critical voice"
In part, I think this is why my angels came to me. I couldn't say something nice about myself, I couldn't be my own best counselor, so they came. Some of you might say that my angels were the subconscious bit of me I needed to hear. You can say that if you choose. However, I believe in miracles. I believe in angels. And I believe they rescued me.
... wonders why she isn't happier and feels that she ought to be
Constantly. I have and had a "good life". Shoot, Will told me so all the time. I simply don't appreciate anyone or anything in my life. I am ungrateful. I am selfish. Well, that's what he said anyway.
I thought I was "missing" something - I didn't realize that I had a surplus of control, manipulation, and created anxiety.
... suffers from anxiety or fear of being crazy
Holy crap. The day I had my first panic attack I called my sister and begged her to come get the boys. I was getting ready to call Will home from work so he could take me to the hospital and put me away. Fortunately (?) most of the time I was depressed and didn't say I felt crazy because whenever I wanted to talk about it, Will got angry with me. (as in the note above)
... senses that time is passing and she is missing something
I am so happy that I do not feel this way anymore. I was anxious that I "should" be doing more or just BE more. I was missing out on life. I was imprisoned. Now I realize my prison was one of words and ideas. Writing back is helping to break the chains.
... wishes she was not the way she is - "too sensitive", etc.
Yep. I've worshipped at the feet of Will, thinking that if I could be like him, then I wouldn't have all the emotional issues. You know, that may be true - sometimes he lacks empathy and has no emotional issues at all. But what would I have to sacrifice to be that way? I'm glad I never got my wish to be like him.
... is hesitant to accept her perceptions
My insights and intuition are strong and usually right on the money. (Was that me who just wrote that?! YAY!) Will has spent a lot of time convincing me that I could not and do not function in the "real world" effectively.
... sometimes or usually has a desire to escape or run away
Not physically run away until recently. But I have spent A LOT of time in my own head, reworking my perceptions and thoughts to fit the life I wanted instead of the life I have.
... believes that what she does best may be what she does worst
What do I do best? I'm not sure.
... tends to live in the future - "Everything will be great when/after", etc.
I did believe that when Will stopped drinking that all of our problems would disappear. That did not happen, so I started blaming myself. I figured that he overcame his flaw, so whatever problems we had leftover must be because of me.
... has a distrust of future relationships
My distrust has more to do with my ability to be a worthy friend. I've never really considered having a relationship with another man, but I've avoided potential friends because I was afraid I would let them down. I suppose I distrust myself more than anyone else.
But then, if I do leave Will, I can't see myself getting involved with anyone else. Too much trouble.
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