Personal Boundaries
My counselors didn't explain the importance of personal boundaries very well, but when my DSS counselor and personal therapist mentioned them in the same week, I went on a research rampage.
What are Personal Boundaries?
A personal boundary is a rule that YOU SAY cannot be broken without consequence. (What? I can set rules for myself?) Yes indeed. Mentally healthy people have all sorts of personal boundaries (rules) that help insulate them from other people's negative words and actions.
For example, healthy people make rules for themselves things like:
- "If a person calls me ugly names, I will not hang out with them anymore."
- "If someone harasses me by phone, I will send their calls straight to voicemail."
- "If she wastes my time with gossip, I will interrupt her and excuse myself."
Then, that person follows through with their plan.
Boundaries Help Us Overcome the "Victim Mentality"
Yes, I was a victim of verbal, emotional and mental abuse. Setting personal boundaries for myself in relation to my abuser helped me realize that I did not have to REMAIN victimized by abuse. I still live with Will, he may attempt to abuse and control me, but I do not have to continue to be one of his victims.
I found a terrific web page that helped me set boundaries that made sense to me - a person who had NO boundaries whatsoever. It took a minute to overcome the anxiety of doing something new, but once I got started I really enjoyed the process.
What happens after you set a personal boundary?
The most important result is that you can now recognize abuse when it happens to you. After writing out even one boundary, you will experience the "red flags" popping up all around you when your abuser steps over you line. The red flags alert you to follow through with your plan - what you said you would do to protect yourself. You will feel stronger and your abusers influence over you will diminish.
Once you have set a personal boundary, you do not have to tell the person who crosses your line WHY you're doing what you're doing, or even how their behavior makes you feel. You just follow your rule. If your rule doesn't work for some reason, then you could revise it for the next time.
Of course, maybe it's in your best interests to tell the person what they're doing, how it makes you feel, and what you're going to do for yourself to counteract that feeling. Maybe you feel you need to offer an explanation because the person breaking through your boundary is your child or someone else who is very important to you.
In a healthy relationship, it is often critical that you explain what you're feeling and doing if you want to maintain your connection. In my case, where I am trying to affect a change on my abuser, I chose to tell him exactly what I was doing and why I was doing it.
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