How You Can Help Abuse Victims
Now here's a tricky topic if I ever heard one. How can you, a person outside of your loved one's abusive relationship, help her in any way?
Is it possible to make her abuser behave differently? Nope. Is it possible to get her the hell out of that situation?! Not without her consent. Is it possible to convince her she's being abused? Maybe, but until she's unwilling to put up with it anymore, she is willing to live with it and must therefore live with the consequences of her decision.
As you're probably already aware, sometimes she knows and says that there's something wrong. Sometimes she'll even want to leave her abuser and come to you for help. But how many times has she asked for your help and then turned it down at the last minute? Or done what you've advised but come back angry at YOU for suggesting it? Or made an excuse for her abuser saying that you can't possibly understand how much he loves her or she loves him?
Remember that the only one who can end the abuse is the victim of the abuse. You cannot help her with that in any way. She must do it for herself.
First, Take Care of Your Self!
Helping an abuse victim can be hazardous to your own health. The more often you "help", the more frequently she returns. The more often she returns, the more helpless and even used you may feel.
Sometimes by helping the victim of abuse, you invite her abuser into your life. Do you want to deal with an abuser in your life?! We abuse victims do not intentionally take advantage of those of you who love us and want to help us. But it happens. How many times have you felt used by the victim you're trying to help?
The best thing you can do for an abuse victim is take care of your self. Make sure you are leading a healthy life. Start by setting some personal boundaries to help you deal with your beloved abuse victim. After you've insulated your self from the negative energies created by abuse, then think about other ways you can help without drawing the abuse to you.
Second, Help The Victim
Listen to her vent without offering solutions. This will be hard. You will want to tell her what to do because she seems so confused, ill-informed, or lost. Keep your mouth shut. That's what listening means.
Tell her you think she's being abused. Give her a pamphlet or show her a web site. Tell her you're concerned, be honest about your fears. Don't argue with her if she says you're crazy. Just smile and say, "Maybe I am."
Keep the number for domestic abuse hotlines handy. You can call the hotline to get answers to help you deal with her situation, to vent about how helpless or angry you feel, and to speak to someone who really knows what they're talking about when it comes to abusive situation. You could also call
a hotline number for her if she comes over and doesn't know what to do.
If she devises her own plan to deal with abuse, then help if she asks. Help if and only if you're willing to do what she's asking you to do! Don't say you will but harbor resentment for it. If you think you'll be resentful, tell her no, but help her to find a different solution if you want.
Do your very best not to judge her. She is not stupid or insane; if anything, she may be "brainwashed" by her abuser and/or suffer under the cumulative side-effects of abuse. As much as she believes you, she disbelieves in herself. There is a way out, but she has to be the one to start looking for it.
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