How to Set Boundaries

Robert Burney's website informed and inspired me with an easy way to define my personal boundaries. I followed his guidelines for writing personal boundaries in sentence form. Writing out your boundaries helps you think them through so you end up with the best possible results.

1. Begin the sentence with "When you..."

Begin by defining the behavior that causes your negative feeling. Does he narrow his eyes? Interrupt you? Tell you you're living in a fantasy world? Turn red? Raise his voice?

What is your sign that something "bad" is about to happen? Be descriptive of his BEHAVIOR. If anyone present could see or hear what he's doing or saying, then you're describing his behavior, and you're on the right track.

2. Complete the first sentence with, "...I feel...".

It can be almost impossible to determine how you truly feel when someone else routinely tells you how you should feel! Read these feeling words if you get stuck.

How does your abuser's behavior make you feel? What is your gut reaction? Do you feel unheard? Attacked? Put-down? Unimportant? Belittled?

At this point, you'll have a sentence that reads something like this: "When you roll or narrow your eyes and interrupt me when I'm talking, I feel unheard and disconnected from the conversation."

3. Begin a new sentence with, "I want . . ."

Your "I want" sentence must be specific.

If you write "I want to know I am important to you," then you are being too general.

How do you want the other person to show that you're important to him? Do you want him to tell you so? Do you want him to look you in your eyes when you're talking? Do you want him to take you to dinner on Wednesday nights? What does the other person need to show - how could he best behave - in order for you to feel important?

4. "Because I am powerless over you, I will..."

It is important to understand that your abuser is as powerless over YOU as you are over him. This sentence does not say that YOU are powerless over everything. That is only the illusion your abuser wants to create - he wants you to believe that he is your "everything."

When we strip away the pretending that goes into an abusive relationship, your abuser knows that he is powerless over you. He uses intimidation and manipulation to pretend he has control over you; when you begin to rebel against his methods, you threaten his pretend world and he lashes out at you in hopes that you will fall back under his spell.

By creating personal boundaries, you resist his efforts to control you. Be careful as you decide what you will and won't do in response to your abuser breaking your rules. Choose an option that protects you on all levels.

What are you willing to do in response to him breaking your personal boundary? Are you willing to leave the room? Leave the house temporarily or permanently? Sing a song in your head instead of listen to any more of his nonsense? Pretend to agree with him? What are you WILLING to do? What is SAFE for you to do?

Here is how my personal boundary reads:

"When you roll or narrow your eyes and interrupt me when I'm talking, I feel unheard and disconnected from the conversation. I want to talk to you without seeing your eyes roll or narrow and without being interrupted in the middle of my sentence. Since I am powerless over you, I will leave the room and the conversation temporarily until a later point in time when we can try to communicate again."

Warning

Your abuser could try to turn your boundaries around on you by setting his own! Here's an important warning from the web page that helped me:

"Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a [healthy] boundary we let go of the outcome."

Here's a manipulative boundary:

"When you leave the room when I'm talking to you, I feel enraged and disrespected. Since I am powerless over you, I will follow you around until you agree to sit down and listen to me."

Read over your boundaries. Are you trying to control your abuser's behavior? Remember, the only person you control is YOU. As much as you may want your abuser to change, you cannot force him to change. Make sure the "I will" part of your boundary describes what you will do to escape the abuse.

Why Personal Boundaries are Important
Read My First Boundaries
Visit Robert Burney's website, Joy2MeU