Why I Went Public
I am dying in the shadows. I don't want to die. So, I'm taking my story public to save my Self.
The proper thing to say would be that I'm doing this for you. In the older version of this site, I wrote "I lived half my life not knowing "the problem" was abuse. I don't want you to do the same," at the top of every page. And that is true. I do NOT want anyone else to live my life. Hell, sometimes I don't want to live my life! And the idea that I COULD help you keeps me writing like nothing ever has.
The idea that I am not saving myself but instead saving YOU compels me to share every convoluted or healthy thought I have. Maybe something will strike a chord with you, because I sure as heck haven't bought into any of it.
But a voice that probably isn't mine keeps urging me forward. Keep writing. Don't be afraid of the day "he" finds this site. Don't be afraid of the day "he" takes his next step. Don't be afraid of the day I am forced to choose, once and for all, if I am going to live or slip back into the shadow - the day I choose to live or die. Don't be afraid.
Maybe when the day comes to choose to live or die, I will look at this site and realize that SOMEONE had to write these things. SOMEONE existed on these days beyond who I think I am. SOMEONE who has the energy to fight for life.
And, if I'm lucky, I will realize that the SOMEONE who wrote these pages is ME.
But, until that day, YOU are the reason I'm writing these journals. If I am able to validate your thoughts and experiences, then hopefully you will choose to live, but not to live with it like I have. Abuse kills you.
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